Who's That Woman?

Previously: Flames! Blackmail! Illicit sex! Bratty kids! When Mary Alice was alive, MAVO tells us, she "maintained many different identities: teacher, mother, secret lover." Or, you know, something like that. Labels, MAVO explains, are "important to the living." They inform the way you see yourself. And also allow you to know what kind of soup lives inside each can in your pantry. Over corny, visually pun-y footage of Lynette attempting to clean her festering home, MAVO explains that Lynette used to see herself as a "powerful career woman." Now, she is just a big old mess with a ton of children she can't control. Lynette is scrubbing potatoes in her hideous choker and a flannel shirt -- because it is apparently 1995 in Lynette's home -- when the phone rings. She answers, listens, and sighs deeply. Cut to the local elementary school. Messy-haired Lynette and the Choker of Doom hustle up to a classroom. Outside, on a bench, sit the Scavo twins. They wave blue paint-covered hands at their mother. Lynette gives them dirty looks, and heads inside... ...where she meets with their extremely cheerful and bemused teacher. Lynette wonders how "it" happened. Teach snorts that she left the door to the art-supply closet open for five minutes: "That's all." Lynette takes an exhausted seat. "The little girl? Why didn't she say anything?" asks Lynette. "Your boys work quickly," Teach almost chuckles. Lynette assures Teach that the hellions will be punished, and severely. Teach nods, and then says that she doesn't want to bring this up, since Lynette got so pissy about it last time, but she really thinks the twins could use a strong Ritalin smoothie with their Pop Tarts in the morning. Lynette huffs, patronizingly, that she is not going to drug her children just to make Teach's life easier, and that she'd "rather change teachers." At this, Teach kindly points out the boys are in her class precisely because she's the only teacher who can handle them. Lynette wonders if they could maybe separate them? Teach is willing to try it. "But if it doesn't work, we may no longer be able to accommodate them," she adds, cheerfully. MAVO: "Lynette was fucked." Well, you know, that's more or less what she said. As Lynette hustles Python and Pole Vaulter (or whatever the twins' names are) out to the car, MAVO explains, "For the next few years, [Lynette would] be known as the mother of the boys who painted Tiffany Axelrod blue." And there's blue little Tiffany Axelrod, right on cue, looking like nothing so much as a wee little Smurf. Mama Axelrod gives Lynette a look that's equal parts pity and irritation. Poooooor Lynette. Back on Wisteria Lane, it's Coffee Klatch time. The ladies listen to the audio tape of Mary Alice's psychotherapy sessions with Dr. Goldfine that KimberBree stole last week. On the tape, Mary Alice says that she had "the nightmare again." She continues, "This time I was standing in a river and I saw the girl under the water. And she kept screaming 'Angela' over and over." Dr. G. wonders what Mary Alice thinks that name represents, and Mary Alice explains that "Angela" is her real name. At this, everyone looks over at KimberBree, who nods. Her hair looks amazing. Gabrielle says that this makes no sense: she's seen Mary Alice's driver's license, and it didn't say "Angela" on it. KimberBree shrugs, and tells them that the rest of the tape is about Mary Alice's nightmare and the girl she was afraid of. Everyone stares at the tape. "So what the hell do we do now?" Gabrielle asks. At this very moment, Creepy Paul comes out of his house and starts to water his lawn. Now, I get that these women are all "housewives," and thus not at the office during the day -- well, Susan works at home, but whatever -- but presumably Paul has a job. Does no one on Wisteria Lane ever go to work? Anyway, they all stare at him. He waves. They wave back. Susan turns back to the girls and says that she thinks it's time they show him The Note. "Are you sure? He's going to freak," says Lynette. KimberBree pipes up that it's now or never: she found out what Creepy Paul is asking for the house, and it's going to go quickly. "Can I say something? I'm glad he's moving," Gabrielle says. She thinks he's creepy. That's why we call him Creepy Paul, Gabrielle. KimberBree makes some shocked noises, and Gabrielle wonders if none of them have noticed. "He's got this dark thing going on," she says. "Something about him feels..." she trails off. "Malignant?" Lynette offers. "Yes," Gabrielle says. "We lost our gefilte," Susan says, thoughtfully. Well, that is sad. I mean, everyone likes fish. But that seems like a bit of a non sequiter. Oh, wait. Sorry. In review, she said, "We've all felt it." Everyone stares at Creepy Paul thoughtfully and sort of nods. "That being said, I do love what he's done with that lawn," KimberBree adds. The music editor throws in a Sassy Stepford Music Sting. And...scene! Later, Susan washes her dishes and stares at Mike as he gardens in the front yard, all shirtless and sweaty. I can see, objectively, that James Denton is an attractive man. He is handsome. All his features are in the right spots. And he's got a very nice body. And yet, he does nothing for me. Nothing. I'm sorry, Denton Fans. I tried. But he's just not my type. I'll keep you informed as to any change in my loins as far as this goes, however. Anyway, Susan washes and washes one plate over and over again. Julie strolls up and tells her that the dish is probably clean. She wonders why Susan doesn't just go out there and ask Mike out on an "official date date," which is what you go on when you like like someone. Susan announces that she's playing hard to get. "How long do you think you can keep that up?" Julie cracks. "Maybe until noon. Then I can run over there and beg him to love me," Susan says. Oh, Susan. Didn't you learn anything last week, when you called him three times in one day? Of course, he still went out with you. On the other hand, that was after he saw you totally naked, lying in your shrubbery. Hmm. This entire show is throwing my entire understanding of the male/female dynamic into question. Let me see if I can sketch out the order of things: Susan almost killed Mike's dog, and then called him three times in one day to ask him to dinner. But he did see her naked, and seemed to enjoy dinner with her, probably because she didn't tell any of the other guests anything about what happens when he ejaculates. So nudity plus discretion will trump any embarrassing moments in which you act too eager. Okay. So the next time I make a fool out of myself over a boy, I can undo the damage by flashing him and then promising not to tell anyone. I'm going to write that down. Anyway, Julie tells her mother that she had better not wait until noon, and gestures toward the street: Edie, in short shorts and a white top tied above her navel, is washing her car. All gyrating butt and wet breasts. You know. Like your typical car-washing porno. "You have got to be kidding me! She washed her car yesterday!" Susan yelps. Edie has moved on from ass-wiggling and boob dampening, and onto daubing herself with a sponge. "Oh no she's not, " Susan breathes. Hasn't either of these women heard of Match.com? What about a yenta? I know Mike is cute, but jeez. Is he the only man either of them has ever seen? Trust me, I have moments of romantic desperation, but it's never been that bad. Well, other than that one time. But I am legally prohibited from talking about that. Mike is transfixed by Edie's wriggling. Susan announces that Edie is really "bringing out the big guns." Oh, is that what they're calling them, now? "You better get out there. She's wearing cotton," Julie advises. Susan wonders what possible excuse she has for going out there, and Julie rummages through their junk drawer and comes up with an envelope. It's a piece of Mike's junk mail. "I hung on to it in case of an emergency," she says. Susan kisses Julie gratefully and books outside. On the way over to Mike, Susan throws Edie the evil eye. Mike greets her cheerfully as she hands over his mail. "Hope it's not important," she says. He tells her it's just a promotion for Contrived Mike Date of the Week. There's a lot of awkward shuffling and stammering from Susan, until Mike finally sacks up and asks her out. Then Susan's body language goes from awkward and weird to all flirty and excited, and Edie, who's been watching them very closely, throws in the sponge. Literally. Edie stomps into Mrs. Kravitz's house. "I hate Susan Mayer," she announces. I love the hideous wardrobe they're putting Mrs. Kravitz in. Everything is straight from, like, Chico's 1984. I think her earrings are actually wooden pieces of fruit. "Every time I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God, I just want to go out and shoot a deer," Edie says as she gets a Corona from the fridge and tosses the cap in the sink. I find it hard to believe that Mrs. Kravitz keeps beer in the house. I feel like she drinks wine from a jug. ["Or a box." -- Wing Chun] "What has she done this time?" Mrs. Kravitz salivates. Edie tells her, and Mrs. Kravitz looks stunned. "Susan likes Mike?" she gasps. Edie is all, duh: "She's been lusting after him ever since he moved in." Mrs. Kravitz looks thoughtfully out the window. Later (I think. The timeline on his show is so F'ed up), Lynette races to the school. Teach is waiting for her calmly, eating sunflower seeds. "The boys refuse to be separated," she says cheerfully. Lynette huffs that they have no choice: "They're six years old. Make them." Lady, you can barely get them to wear a seatbelt. You had to leave them by the side of the road to force them to behave and then almost had Child Services called on your ass. Who are you to talk? Teach pops a seed and grins that she's not allowed to wrestle with the kids. But Lynette is welcome to try. "Fine. Which one goes and which one stays?" Lynette asks. Teach chuckles that Lynette can pick.