COME IN, STRANGER

If I wasn't so demoralized, this is the part of the recap where I'd talk about the election. It occurred to me today that I was recapping during the last election, too. I can't believe it. Thanks for not firing me, Wing Chun! Yet. ["Oh, never. And for what it's worth, those of us citizens of the world who couldn't vote in this election are pretty demoralized, too." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, thanks to MAVO, this week we meet a Wisteria Lane resident by the melodious name of Alberta Frome. In the tradition of all Unmarried Ladies of a Certain Age, she has a cat. And when she travels, she has friends watch said cat. This time, however, said friends are not available for cat-sitting. And so Mrs. Frome is forced to turn to Susan. This kicks us into a Susan Is Klutzy Montage: first, she backs her car into a trash can; then she falls hilariously and completely into a wedding cake; finally, she's attacked by birds as she attempts to refill the bird feeder in a scene that reminds me of nothing so much as the scene in A Room With A View where Helena Bonham Carter looks out the window and sees Daniel Day-Lewis get attacked by bees, and he waves his arms around all effeminately and she realizes that she can't marry him and that she has to marry Julian Sands, because Julian Sands is willing to grab her and kiss her in a meadow and why hasn't that happened to me yet? ...Where was I? Ah, yes. Susan makes being attacked by flying beasts look much cuter. "As she waved goodbye, Mrs. Frome worried that Susan's streak of bad luck would continue," MAVO says, as Mrs. Frome waves goodbye to her cat and Susan makes the cat wave back. "For that matter, so did her cat." Day to night transition. Susan and Julie tromp into the House of Frome, calling for Mr. Whiskers. When they get to the kitchen, they see that the place has been ransacked. Then they notice a screwdriver lying out on the counter. That's when they start calling frantically for Mr. Whiskers, because they are morons. Dudes, the intruder could totally still be in the house. Go home and call the police. Man. I can buy that kind of idiocy from Susan, because, although adorable, she doesn't appear to be that bright, but I expected better from Julie. Anyway, while they're looking for Mr. Whiskers, a man in work boots tiptoes out of a nearby room. It's totally Mike, by the way. The cat slips out the front door behind him. "Though she didn't know it at the time, Susan's luck had finally started to change," MAVO says, as Mike slips Mr. Whiskers back inside the house. So, as you can imagine, Wisteria Lane totally freaks when everyone finds out about the intruder! So they have a Neighborhood Watch meeting to discuss their plan of action. This meeting is attended by a whole bunch of people, but not Mrs. Kravitz, which seems bizarre. I feel like Mrs. Kravitz wouldn't miss a Neighborhood Watch meeting even if she were vomiting blood. Anyway, the meeting is also attended by an Officer Thomas, who is played Steven Eckholdt, who has been on all kinds of shows, including Melrose Place. I can't quite remember who he was on Melrose Place, but I seem to recall that it was bad news for Jane. Of course, everything was bad news for stupid, stupid Jane. Officer Thomas gives the Wisteria Lane-eans all kinds of safety tips and talks about organized patrols and so on and so forth. As he does so, Susan waves cheerily at Mike, who is unresponsive. Maybe you irritated him by giving your date with him to Edie last week, Susan. Maybe he suspects you're not into him anymore. Maybe he thinks you have multiple personalities. Where is Edie, anyway? Are we not going to get any follow-up on Susan giving Edie her date with Mike last week? Hello? Anyone? Is this thing on? So, after the meeting, Susan tells Officer Thomas that she has "some evidence" from the crime scene, and gives him the screwdriver in a plastic bag. He wonders why she didn't leave it for the cops in the first place, and she admits that they sort of laughed at her and told her it was unnecessary because nothing was stolen. "That was totally unprofessional," says Officer Thomas. Let's just call him Steven. "Thank you!" Susan chirps. She wonders if the screwdriver ought to be dusted for prints. Steven swears it will be done. In the background, Mike watches their interaction warily, but when Susan cheerfully says goodbye to Steven and walks away, Mike makes his face very impassive. The girls help Lynette clean up after the meeting. As they clean, Pitchfork and Plantain beat each other with sofa pillows. Lynette, typically, can't control them. In other words: Lynette's life is proceeding as usual. She hollers at the kids to go to bed. They scream back that they're not tired. "Then at least go upstairs," she says. I don't know why she doesn't try my mother's old line: "that's too bad." Instead, she waves a bag of chips at the boys, getting their attention, and then throws it upstairs like they're dogs and the chips are a ball. Palaver and Pulsar run upstairs after the chips. Where are Lynette's other kids? I get that the baby is asleep -- like, all the time -- but where is the older boy? Maybe he's in the Mysterious Box of Mystery. KimberBree looks horrified at this Chips Up the Stairs ploy, but seemingly literally bites her tongue. Lynette gives her an irritated "well, la de da" face. Shut up, Lynette. Your kids are assholes. In Lynette's kitchen, Gabrielle and Susan chat about Mike. Susan explains that she thought they were becoming an item. But now she's getting lots of mixed signals. Oh, like his asking you out multiple times and your making weird excuses and then giving your date away to the skanky lady down the street? Yes, he is giving you mixed messages. Girl, come on. Gabrielle notes that Steven wasn't giving Susan mixed signals. "You noticed that?" Susan asks. "Honey, when they're not staring at me, I notice," Gabrielle says. At least she's honest. In the living room, Lynette thanks KimberBree for helping with the clean-up. KimberBree fishes some small plastic toys out of the sofa cushions and tells Lynette that she would have hosted the meeting herself, except her kids are going on some camping trip and the house looks like REI exploded. And KimberBree knows from things exploding. Lynette sort of mills around and finally blurts, "Speaking of nice things," she knows something else nice that KimberBree can do for her: Pincushion and Panache need a recommendation to Posh Academy of Contrivance, where Danielle and Andrew went to school. KimberBree is really hesitant to lie. "I'm really well respected at [Posh Academy], and my word won't be good there anymore," she says. Lynette points out that "by the time they realize their mistake, we'll be in. You aren't having any more kids, so what do you care?" Graciously and tactfully phrased, Lynette. KimberBree explains that she really wanted her children to go to Posh Academy. "But I suppose that doesn't matter to you, does it?" she asks. "It really doesn't," Lynette responds. Lynette? Shut up. Doesn't KimberBree have enough problems, with the crumbling marriage and the difficult kids, without you getting all up in her grill about your problems with your hyperactive kids? Outside: drama from inside the Residence of Poor Dead Mary Alice! The ladies peer at the house curiously as Creepy Paul and Sad Zack fight loudly. "They never used to fight when Mary Alice was alive," Lynette says. "Such a shame. They used to be such a happy family," Susan says. KimberBree sadly and wisely points out that just because they weren't fighting, it doesn't mean they were actually happy. Later, on Wisteria Lane: residents patrol the streets like Nazis. And Gabrielle gets a surprise visitor: her mother-in-law. "What are you doing here?" Gabrielle asks, when she runs into Mama Solis on her front walkway. "I'm visiting, what does it look like? It's a surprise." They hug, awkwardly. "Family should always hug," whispers Mama Solis. "Regardless of how they feel about each other."