Ah, But Underneath

Last week: Mary Alice Young shot herself and no one knows why! Not her husband! Not her neighbors! Not the audience! Gabrielle Solis found herself in a shitty marriage with a guy who buys her lots of stuff to make up for the fact that -- well, you know, like I said, shitty marriage. So she screws the hot gardener to make herself feel better. The hot gardener was last seen on Passions as hot but boring almost-virgin Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald, a character who left town to chase after his boring virgin girlfriend, who was interesting only when she was trapped in a giant block of ice and her Evil Zombie Twin was walking around town impersonating her. Oh, I guess he was interesting that time he was in his best friend's closet, and her house got sucked into the depths of hell. That was good. Oh, and also, there was that one time that he accidentally slept with the aforementioned best friend after she cast an evil spell to make him think that she was actually his boring girlfriend and then she got knocked up and had his baby and then he skipped town on her and their child, because I guess he turned out to be an asshole in the end. Although, before he did that, he did render said best friend/mother of his child infertile because he rammed a metal rod through her uterus. In his defense, she was a rabid dog at that time. Okay, I guess he wasn't all that boring. Wisteria Lane has a long way to go to impress Miguel, I suspect. Anyhoo, all of Poor Dead Mary Alice's friends found a letter addressed to her, hidden amongst her things, which read: "I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell." Mystery! Scandal! Pearl necklaces! (Not like that. Don't be dirty.) We open, as per usual, I suspect, with Mary Alice's Voice Over. (MAVO, if you will.) "An odd thing happens when we die," she says. "Our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell, and sound become a distant memory. But our sight? Ah, our sight expands. And we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course, most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living…if they only take the time to look. Like my friend Gabrielle." Let's check on Gabrielle, shall we? She's submerged in water, her eyes squeezed shut. Somehow I doubt she's dead. Two deaths in two episodes is too much excitement for ABC. "I should have seen how unhappy she was, but I didn't," MAVO explains. Well, Mare -- can I call you Mare? -- you were pretty busy being blackmailed for Whatever It Is That You Did, Which We Totally Won't Find Out Until Like February Sweeps At the Earliest. Cut to a flashback of Gabrielle and her husband, Carlos, frolicking in their living room. "I only saw her clothes from Paris," MAVO says. "And her platinum jewelry." Over this, Carlos drapes Gabrielle in jewels. "And her brand-new diamond watch." On this last example, Carlos walks away from poor Gabrielle, talking on his cell phone. Gabrielle looks sadly at her watch. Oh, poor Gabrielle. You should probably start sleeping with the gardener. "Had I looked closer, I would have seen Gabrielle was a drowning woman, desperately in search of a life raft. Luckily for her, she found one." Man, Mary Alice sure is yappy. You'd think the dead would be quieter. At this, Gabrielle gasps, sits up in her bathtub, and starts making out with Hot Gardener Miguel from Passions. MAVO explains that Gabrielle saw her relationship with Miguel as a way to "infuse her life with a little excitement." Works for me. Outside Gabrielle's bathroom window, her husband Carlos pulls up in his silver Jag. "But now she was about to discover just how exciting her life could get," MAVO obviouses. Can I just watch this, Mary Alice? Thanks. Anyway, Miguel and Gabrielle are totally giggling and making out in their towels as, downstairs, Carlos gets out of his car and slams the door shut. Gabrielle gasps and looks out the window, and spies Carlos coming up the walk and checking the mail. "Damn it!" she swears, and grabs Miguel and drags him downstairs. "Come on, come on, come on, hurry," she says, pulling him through the living room. Miguel frantically begins gathering his clothing, which is strewn all over the living room carpet. "Where are the rest of my clothes?" he asks. Gabrielle assures him that she'll find them and tells him to just get out. "Where?" he asks. She looks around frantically. "Out the window," she says. "What?" Miguel gasps. Outside, Carlos is strolling up the walkway slower than any man ever strolled before. Gabrielle shoves her hot, towel-clad lover boy out the window. Miguel falls with a yelp, as his towel catches in a thorn and he makes most of his journey from the window to the ground totally bare-ass naked. And just in time, because Carlos walks in the living room exactly as Miguel's bare feet clear the windowsill. "Hi honey, you're home early," Gabrielle gasps. Carlos explains that his meeting was cancelled. As he yaps, she glimpses Miguel's jeans lying on the sofa. "I thought you showered this morning," he adds. She explains, distractedly, that she just finished a workout. She oh-so-casually covers the jeans with a throw pillow. "Where's [Miguel]?" Carlos wonders. Gabrielle plays dumb until Carlos points out that Miguel's truck is parked outside. MAVO tells us that Gabrielle was panicking. If Carlos were to find out that Gabrielle was fucking their hot underage gardener, she was screwed. Or, you know, something like that. At this moment, Miguel pops up in the window wearing a plaid shirt and holding some garden shears. He cheerfully greets Carlos, who smiles back at him and inquires after the fichus. Miguel's teeth gleam as he promises to get right to it. "She was quickly reminded that what Carlos couldn't see…" MAVO begins. Cut to Miguel outside, clipping the rose bushes without any pants on, cute bare butt cheeks hanging out. "Couldn't hurt her," MAVO finishes, in an irritating chuckle that I suspect will make me want to kill her before the season is halfway over. Except for how she's already dead. Credits. They sure are purty. But I've been on this job for four years. After a certain point, you realize that you don't absolutely need to recap the credits. Wisteria Lane. Night. The ladies are gathered in someone's kitchen. I think it's Susan's, but it's hard to say. MAVO reminds us that the peaceful blah blah of Wisteria Lane had blah blah blah because she killed herself. And also, you know, don't forget about The Note. The Note is very important. Note The Note. Everyone stares at The Note, which MAVO notes "suggested a suspicious reason for my desperate act." I'd suggest that we drink every time the word "desperate" is used, except I don't want to get alcohol poisoning. Again. KimberBree -- and yes, I know her name is Bree, but you saw Melrose Place, didn't you? To me, she is now and will always be Dr. Kimberly Shaw, ripper-off of wigs, blackmailer, baby-stealer, husband stealer, have-er of multiple identities, apartment blower-upper, kidnapper, career-ruiner, and my idol. Well, except maybe for Ms. Heather Locklear. Anyway, there's much pacing around the kitchen and looking at The Note. Susan thinks they ought to give it to Paul, Mr. Mary Alice. Gabrielle shakes her head. "He would freak out," she says. Susan points out that Paul "deserves to know." KimberBree wonders if they could tell him gently, "over coffee and pastries." Lynette, naturally, mocks this suggestion. Lynette, listen. You should probably be careful around KimberBree. For one thing, she's got a lot of dirt on your husband. Like how he's gay. Also, you shouldn't be wearing a choker. It makes your neck look short. And also, it's not 1996. Gabrielle wonders if they should alert the authorities. Lynette shrugs that maybe it's just "some sort of sick joke." KimberBree sniffs that if it was a joke, it was "in very poor taste." Susan shakes her head. She's sure the note is for real. And they better find out what's going on. Lynette points out that they might not be happy with what they learn. "Isn't it worse to be in the dark?" Susan wonders. I have to say, Teri Hatcher is very sympathetic in this role. I expected to hate her, but she's rather charming. "It's the age-old question, isn't it?" KimberBree says. "How much do we really want to know about our neighbors? For example, did I ever mention that time Lynette's husband ripped off my wig in the hallway of Wilshire General Hospital, and I made it my life's goal to destroy him? I'm almost done with that. I mean -- never mind." Everyone looks thoughtful.